Why do mothers become so angry?
Is mom rage a thing?
Let's discuss the big elephant in the room that no one talks about. Mom rage. Yes. It's real, and it's taking most moms who are experiencing it by surprise – me included.
"I'm not that person."
"I never thought I'd be this kind of mom who yells at her kids."
"I don't recognize myself anymore."
I've said all these things to myself and more. I know I'm not alone. The truth is it's more common than you think among mothers – old and new. But barely anyone is talking about it. Why? Because we don't want to get judged. But guess what? It's about time we talk about what mom rage is, where it comes from, and how to deal with it.
What is Mom Rage and How is It Different from Regular Anger?
Anger is that feeling of strong displeasure, annoyance, or hostility when provoked. It becomes rage when you can no longer control it, and it happens regularly. Another good indication that you're experiencing rage is when you start reacting to simple things you usually don't mind a little too strongly.
For example, your toddler spilled cereal for the nth time that week. And instead of cleaning the mess, you throw the cereal box across the room. Worse, you might start yelling your hats off with abusive words such as, "You're so clumsy! I can't stand it!" It's almost like someone flipped a switch inside you and turned you into an uncontrollable banshee.
Throwing a tantrum when your child does something wrong clearly shows you're dealing with mom rage. But why does it happen?
Mom rage isn't a diagnosis per se. It's more like our stress response to our children's bad behavior and unrealistic expectations set upon us by society. It's also a sign that your needs aren't being met. After all, moms are often isolated, tired, stressed, overextended, and overworked.
With everything we go through every day, no wonder we blow our fuse occasionally. It doesn't make us bad moms. It just makes us humans. It's just our way of saying we need self-care too.
When was the last time you did something for yourself? If you can't remember, you're due for some self-lovin' activity. Don't feel ashamed for wanting to do something for yourself.
Don't feel guilty about your struggles. Admitting that you also have needs is the first step to becoming physically, emotionally, and mentally healthy so that you can be in a place where you can handle your anger better.
Who Develops Mom Rage?
Mom rage is a strong response to stress. Anyone can be affected, even moms who've never had anger management issues before. Many find it surprising that their once cool and calm personality has totally disappeared in the blink of an eye.
What Does Mom Rage Feel Like?
Mom rage is explosive or intense anger that feels different from any anger you've felt before. It's often characterized by quick outbursts and snapping directed at anyone who annoys you. When it strikes, you may do or say things you normally wouldn't. It's often quickly followed by strong feelings of guilt and shame.
It can also sometimes feel like an out-of-body experience. It's like watching someone you don't recognize yelling at your kids. But you have no control over what's going on. The worst part is this isn't a one-off event where you let it all out, and the anger is gone. Mom rage is often a chronic feeling that always lingers, waiting for a trigger.
What Causes Mom Rage?
Mom rage isn't caused by just one factor. A lot of different reasons could be at play for someone to reach such an unexpected level of anger. Here are just a few of them
- Anxious feelings from always worrying about your kids
- Stress from unrealistic expectations set by society to moms
- Lack of support from your partner or other family members
- Grief over the loss of your former self
- Unmet emotional needs
- Relationship problems
- Gender inequalities
- Burnout
- Financial strain
- Sleep deprivation
- Hormonal fluctuations
- Physical changes after pregnancy
- Mental health conditions, such as postpartum anxiety or postpartum depression (PPD).
How Mom Rage Can Hurt Relationships
While mom rage is a common condition, it doesn't mean we should just let it be. It won't simply run its course. If left untreated, it could damage your relationship with your spouse and children.
How it Can Affect Your Children
They may not show it, but witnessing your outbursts of mom rage can put your child under a lot of stress. They may even feel like it's their fault. Plus, exposing them to constant fear while growing up can disrupt their development.
This could lead to long-term trauma that could haunt them well into their adulthood. Not only will it affect their coping skills, but it can also damage how they handle their future relationships.
How It Can Affect Your Relationship with Your Partner
Mom rage doesn't just affect your children. It can also lead to feelings of resentment and disconnection with your partner, causing strain on the relationship. And you create an emotional distance as you pull away from your partner.
Both partners need to be aware of and understand the possible causes of mom rage and work together to find ways to alleviate the stress and frustration that may be contributing to it. Communication and mutual support can help minimize its negative impact on the relationship.
11 Ways How to Control Mom Rage
Most moms experience uncontrollable rage over simple things. And while it's not our fault, our actions can negatively affect our children. Managing mom rage isn't easy, but it's not impossible either. You can beat this and reclaim your past self with the right approach and support system.
Here are some ways how to combat this unexplainable rage.
1. Acknowledge Your Emotions
When you're a mom, it's easy to let your emotions get the best of you. You're juggling a million things at once, and it's easy to feel like you're not doing anything right. Acknowledging your emotions can help you keep cool the minute you start feeling that rage is trying to rear its ugly head.
When you're angry or frustrated, take a few deep breaths and try to identify your feelings. Are you angry because your kids won't listen to you? Frustrated because you're trying to do it all, and it feels like you're failing? Once you know what you're feeling, you can start dealing with it constructively.
If you're angry, try to take a step back and see the situation from your child's perspective. They may not be trying to annoy you on purpose. They may just be acting like a kid. It will be easier to let go of your anger if you can see that.
If you're feeling frustrated, try to take a break and do something for yourself. Take a hot bath, read your favorite book, or just take a few minutes to relax. Once you've had a chance to relax, you'll be able to deal with your frustrations more effectively.
Acknowledging your emotions doesn't mean letting them control you. It means you're taking the first step to healthily dealing with them. And that's something that every mom can appreciate.
2. Understand Your Triggers
When I first became a mom, I didn't know what I was doing. I was constantly angry and frustrated, and I had no idea why. I would snap at my husband and kids for no reason. I felt like I was always on the verge of losing my cool. It was exhausting.
Eventually, I realized that I needed to understand my triggers if I was going to keep my cool. I started paying attention to the things that set me off, and I found that I would most likely lose my temper when I was tired, hungry, or overwhelmed. Once I knew my triggers, I was able to avoid them as much as I could.
If I started to feel tired, I would take a nap. If I started to feel hungry, I would eat a snack. If I started to feel overwhelmed, I would take a few deep breaths and remind myself that I could handle anything that came my way.
Understanding my triggers has helped me keep my mom rage in check. I'm not perfect, but I'm a lot better than I used to be. I'm able to stay calm more often, and I'm able to enjoy my life as a mom much more than I ever thought possible.
3. Set Realistic Expectations
When you're a mom, you're constantly giving of yourself. You're always putting your kids first. But giving too much of yourself away isn't helping anyone. Always sacrificing for somebody else may seem like a noble thing. But you're only turning your loved ones into thieves because they're stealing you from you without meaning to.
If you're constantly putting your kids first, you'll never get anything done for yourself. You'll always be last on your list, leading to serious resentment. Instead, try to set realistic expectations for yourself. Don't try to do it all, and don't feel guilty for taking some time for yourself. Your kids will be just fine if you're not available 24/7.
Of course, this goes both ways. You should also set realistic expectations when it comes to your kids. If you constantly expect them to be perfect, you'll be disappointed. Kids are going to make messes, they're going to have accidents, and they're going to make mistakes. It's all part of growing up. Instead of getting angry, try to see the humor in the situation and be patient.
It's important to remember that you can't do it all. As a mom, you're going to make mistakes. You're going to have days where you feel like you're failing. That's okay. It doesn't mean you're a bad mom. It just means you're human. Cut yourself some slack, and try to set realistic expectations for yourself and your family. It will help prevent mom rage from taking over.
4. Find time to rest
It's no secret that moms are always on the go. We are constantly caring for our families, home, and careers. It's easy to get overwhelmed and stressed out. But when stressed, we're more prone to losing our shiznit. So take time to rest. Give yourself enough breathing room.
When we take a break, even for a few minutes, we can recharge our batteries and refocus our energy. We can also use this time to connect with our kids and spouse, which can help reduce stress and prevent anger from taking over. As soon as you start feeling overwhelmed, take a break. Go for a walk, take a nap, or just sit down and relax. You'll be glad you did.
5. Stop Comparing Yourself with Other Moms
As a mother, it's easy to feel like you're not doing enough, especially when you compare yourself to other moms. You see them post on social media about all the amazing things they're doing with their kids, and you feel like you're falling behind. But the truth is, every mother is different and has different strengths. Comparing yourself with other moms will only make you feel bad.
Instead of feeling jealous of how other women seem to have this mom thing all figured out, why not focus on your own journey as a mother? What are you doing well? What do you need to work on? Be honest with yourself and celebrate your own successes, no matter how small. When you stop comparing yourself with other moms, you'll find you're much happier and less likely to lash out in anger.
6. Exercise
Working out helps your body release endorphins, which have mood-boosting and stress-relieving properties. Exercise can also help improve your sleep. Getting in a good workout can help you feel calmer and in control, which can make all the difference when dealing with mom rage. Sometimes, all you need is a good endorphin rush to help you forget about your anger and focus on something else.
7. Meditate
Meditation can be a helpful tool in managing our mood. It can help us take a step back from our emotions and better understand what drives them. It can also help us find a sense of calm and peace, which can be difficult to access when angry.
The next time you start to feel mom rage coming on, try to take a few minutes to sit down and meditate. Focus on your breathing and on letting go of your anger. It won't be easy, but it can be a helpful way to start managing your anger.
8. Follow the 90-Second Rule
The 90-second rule is simple. When you feel rage taking over, take 90 seconds to breathe before you do or say anything. This gives you time to calm down and think about what you want to say. It's not always easy to follow this rule, but it's always worth it.
Mom rage is a real thing, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. We all have our breaking points, so finding healthy ways to deal with our anger is important. The 90-second rule is one of the best ways to do that. It gives us time to cool down and prevents us from saying or doing something we'll regret later.
9. Go Out and Have Fun with Friends
It's been one of those days. You know – the kind when everything your kids do is annoying, and you just can't seem to find a break. You're about to lose it. But then you remember that you promised your friends you would go out tonight.
You take a deep breath and put on your best mom face. You know that if you don't get out of the house and have some fun, you're going to explode. It's not easy, but you can get through the rest of the day.
You pick up your friends and head to the bar. The first few rounds are on you. And by the end of the night, you're laughing so hard you forget what you were even angry about in the first place.
Going out and having fun with friends is the perfect way to deal with mom rage. It's a much-needed break from the daily grind and a chance to let off some steam. So next time you feel like you're about to lose it, remember that a night out with the girls is the perfect cure.
10. Practice Gratitude
Taking the time to be grateful for what you have can be a game-changer for your mood and outlook. According to a study published in Harvard Health Publishing, practicing gratitude can help you feel happier, making you less anxious and depressed. It may even help improve your sleep quality.
One of the main reasons gratitude works so well is because it helps shift your focus from what's wrong in your life to what's right. It sounds simple, but it's incredibly powerful. When you intentionally focus on the good, it can help crowd out the negative and make it easier to cope with stress and difficult circumstances.
If you're feeling overwhelmed, take a few minutes each day to write down three things you're grateful for. It can be anything from your kids' smiles to your partner's support to a moment of peace during your chaotic day. Over time, you'll find that gratitude will help you see the silver lining in even the most challenging situations. And when you're able to find the positive, it's much easier to let go of the rage.
11. Get Help
Getting help can make a big difference when it comes to mom rage. Talking to someone who understands what you're going through can be a huge relief. They can offer support and guidance on how to deal with your anger in a healthy way. Having someone to talk to can also help you feel more in control.
You may also seek therapy if you feel your rage is spiraling out of control. Your therapist can teach you mindfulness techniques and provide you with stress management tools. Medication may also be given if it's co-occurring with other mental health issues, such as anxiety or depression.
If mom rage is something you're struggling with, don't be afraid to reach out for help. It could be the best decision you ever make.
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